Learning to Live Differently

I don’t often write things plainly in here because I believe that feelings and experiences are many sided most of the time and plain words cannot do them justice, sometimes you have to use metaphor, rhyme, and imagery to really get a point across, you have to paint a picture in a person’s mind, maybe even literally to really capture the essence of what you are trying to say. Often, I find myself looking back at letters I’ve written and gain a very different perspective on what it sounded like I was saying when in the present I feel something totally different than what was represented. Now, having gained what I hope could be called wisdom I will attempt this free-writing here with a more open, understanding mind than I had before.

Many of you, if not all of you, do not know the real me, so I will attempt to try to give you a little perspective on where I came from and where I’m going and why. A number of years ago I experienced a loss that I never thought I would have to experience, it did not make sense in my mind for years. It was hard for me to continue living as what felt like half a person because I never knew how absolutely important what I had was until it was utterly lost. I had gone through my little life selfishly, expectantly, and in control (or what I thought was a kind of control), what I didn’t know was that it would all change.

You may have heard the saying “if you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans.” It made sense to me more and more every day during that time. I had had plans, dreams, goals, they were set and I knew where I was going, or I thought I knew, until my reasons and motivation no longer existed. My faith was rocked from under me, in a big way, I spent a great deal of time floating, trying to forget, running away, and avoiding the issue. And when I had run so far at such a high speed, and had myself reinvented to the point where I no longer was who I remembered, I crashed, literally, for a full year and a half. This crash came in the form of a debilitating accident, a life altering move into the unknown, and a spiral into the rock bottom that comes with being engaged to a sociopath. All of this brought me back to the place I had been trying to avoid for years. It threw me back into my hometown.

This, even though I hated it at the time, even though it was painful, forced me to face my ghost and allowed me to grow in my faith. I was humbled by how much had changed, I was no longer the person who deserved the loss she got, in fact I did not even recognize her. I was now strong in myself, I had seen the dragon and come out alive, I had dragged myself out of broken dreams, I had failed, given up, and tried again, and here I stood, no longer worried about my plan or whether or not someone would stand beside me on my journey, or if I would get to experience the creation of life within me. No, I faced my ghost, I made my peace, and I figured out what had been lacking, the courage to be able to realize my potential, the courage not to stand in my own way because of fear, the courage to face death and to know that I am ready, no matter what. But I have it now, and I am still human.

My ghost has taught me more as departed than as flesh and blood. I have learned what to appreciate, what to take chances on, and what to hang onto. I do not regret a single second of the process, if it weren’t for everything I would not be this version of myself, and I am by no means perfect, but I do try to understand anyone and everyone that I can, and show them love.

I am looking forward to the next step of my journey as I leave my hometown on the long road to my next destination where I will once again be a student but finish strong.

Continued