Here in the long drive back from what was supposed to be a day of thanks I am reminded of all I have and all I have lost and what it has made me into. It doesn’t matter all the adversity that has surrounded this becoming, or the many roads it has taken to get here, all that matters is the long road ahead and how I travel that road. I am thankful that as of now in this drive there is no snow, not yet, no slippery slopes, no fog; as of now there is only darkness and the bright lights that allow me to see only so far, my future is unknown to me, it can take a turn, at any moment, anything can happen. It’s exciting and humbling that only time will tell and I trust that my faith will lead me safely on.

I am thankful for inner strength and wisdom, and for the quiet calm that fills the vehicle so I can think. I think of everything that was and could have been and everything that is. I don’t know what is better or worse, I only have today. And today I am making a change. Today I will be heard, maybe not by the intended, but someone will hear me, I will hear me, God will hear me.

I take strength in the knowledge that everything I have experienced has brought me to this point. I can take what is said, take anything handed to me, calmly. I keep all that’s departed in mind and it gives me strength. This is what I want to say but I cannot say:

“Please hear me, I will listen to you, I will hear you out, but I will not, cannot fuel your fire. I refuse to be a catalyst, a substitute, or a place of blame. I won’t fight back. You can say anything, and believe me when I tell you, if you intend it to hurt it will for the moment, and I will remember it, but know this, I am strong, I am independent, and I have been hurt many times more than this that it will not scar me. But you must know, that even in my strength and endurance, this is not me lying down, because I know in my heart that this is undeserved and unacceptable. This is me asking you to find another way to take your frustration and break it against something else. It would be a very sad day if continuing this way caused us to lose each other. Please, don’t let that happen.”

In the wee hours of the night, so tired and yet sleep doesn’t find me, my eyes shed quiet tears, and it’s never for the reason I think. It always starts out to be the situation at hand, but in the end it’s for the loss that bubbles to the surface each time. The question is, when will that loss stop hiding behind random situations?