Oh the tears that have soaked my pillow,
They have come in waves,
In torrential rain,
And in trickling steady streams,
For well over a year.

I bury myself in any comforting arms,
With silent, tired sobs,
I hide my face and wish it was you,
Oh captain, my captain.

Sleep has not found me for a while,
It is lost somewhere with the dawn,
The aches, the bruises, and the pain within,
I do not care for it.

Sleep brings dreams and foreshadowing,
Every wish I have for you and every fear,
It is the fears, the living nightmares,
That I do not wish to see anymore.

I don’t want to know my future,
For that is all that finds me in sleep,
Every nightmare I ever awoke from with you,
Crying silently into your back as you slept,
You used to tell me they were meaningless,
Angry that I would even have such dreams,
They are meaningless no longer.

Oh captain, my captain no more,
I do not want to see how my heart will continue to break,
I keep hoping and hoping,
With each strand you cut on the rope that holds me,
Each strand you promise is the last one.

I want to remember you, my captain,
The strongest one, who held me all night,
The one who promised to always care for and protect,
The one who thought I was beautiful.

I want to remember you, my captain,
Between the angry times,
When you would smile at me and hold my hand,
When I would give you affection freely, randomly,
And you would say you loved me.

I want to remember the captain,
Who took care of me as much as I took care of him,
In the big and the small ways,
In the ways that I was always thinking of you,
As I still do.

Through the sickness and the health,
And the failings and the fallings,
And the dreams and wishes,
And the great big sadness,
And the bittersweet happy times.

I want to remember the captain that felt like home,
Where I planted my flowers as a reminder,
That my heart is always his.

I want to remember the captain,
In the times before the big regret,
Because that captain will always be mine,
And if I am ever to sleep again,
I hope it’s his arms I find there,
Instead of the nightmares.